Many might see the life of a missionary as daring, filled with adventure, and marked by unwavering Faith. But the work of a missionary is not something shrouded in mysterious grandeur or a calling that should be considered more highly than that of Christians who remain in their home of origin.
As a long-term overseas missionary myself, I think I can speak for all Christians who find themselves called to overseas work when I say, “We’re pretty ordinary. We just serve an extraordinary God.”
Recently, I experienced a season of being quite lonely in the place where I was. I’m married, I have genuine connections in the community I’m a part of, and I have been living overseas for the past five years. Yet, not long ago I came to a place where my heart and soul felt alone.
The time challenged me in humility, prayer, and breaking through lies the enemy was telling me. It also created in me a desire to reach out and listen to others’ stories – specifically other missionaries on the field. I knew I wasn’t the only one afflicted with lies, doubt, and frustration. Of course the enemy wanted me to believe I was the only one; but I set in my mind to prove him wrong.
Over a few weeks, I’ve had wonderful chats with several OMF workers. Many of their stories resonated with my own experiences. The discussions were vulnerable, but filled with the joy of the Lord. For no matter where we are in the world, the Lord is our rock and stronghold (Ps. 18:2).
Serving in the field brings a myriad of challenges and adjustments. Feelings of loneliness can easily find their way into the hearts of many workers as many challenges arise; but the Lord equips those he calls and does not leave his children.
The heart of this article is to share a brief glimpse into the lives of the people I spoke with. I want to share some of their experiences. Whether you are serving overseas or on your home turf, everyone can resonate with seasons of loneliness or adjustments that leave us feeling vulnerable. These times are no stranger to the human heart, mind, or soul.
If you are also an overseas worker, I pray your heart will be encouraged. If you are serving closer to home, I pray you will also be encouraged, and also know how to be praying for our brothers and sisters who are far from their places of origin.
“I don’t know what this vegetable is. I don’t know how to cook it. Now you wouldn’t think that not being able to identify a vegetable would lead to loneliness, but if you can’t engage with your [new] home place that way because you don’t recognize the food… Yeah that’s an aspect of loneliness. And so all those things when they pile up, they can become overwhelming.” – Cheryl Alexandr
Cheryl Alexandr and her husband, Lizzy, have been serving in Taiwan for the past 10 years. In those years, they’ve cultivated a life filled with genuine connection. Throughout my interview with them, they expressed authentic love and joy for their Taiwanese brothers and sisters in Christ as well as the community around them who are not yet of the Faith. However, the connections they have and the strong sense of place are aspects of their life that were achieved slowly through intentionality, patience, and trial and error.
When I asked the couple what their earlier years were like in Taiwan, the main thought that resurfaced was the need to start over.
Cheryl highlighted the fact, “when we moved, all of our rites of passages were gone.” What they knew of culture, language, traditional customs and more were all replaced in their new country. Cheryl and Lizzy touched on the fact that you’re starting over like a child, but you’re an adult. Because of this fact, it’s easy to become discouraged or even feel embarrassed, and our very identity of who we thought we were can come under attack. The result being that we feel alone. To help overcome these challenges, the couple spoke often about humility and the ability to allow yourself to relearn a lot is crucial as you adjust to a new place.
Lizzy shared his experience re-learning how to drive: “When I did my driving test in Taiwan, I failed. Before that point, I had been driving a vehicle for almost thirty years. And I’m like, ‘I know how to drive a car! I’m not stupid.’”
He further explained how in moments like those, “You have to embrace humility. Because you’re going to [fail] again and again and again because you’re operating at a kindergarten level.”
Cheryl commented that “feeling loneliness isn’t just whether or not you have your people there with you, but it’s also understanding how to do life well where you’re at. We had to re-learn everything. And that’s really hard as [an adult] starting over – I don’t know what this vegetable is. I don’t know how to cook it! Now you wouldn’t think that not being able to identify a vegetable would lead to loneliness, but if you can’t engage with your [new] home place that way because you don’t recognize the food… Yeah that’s an aspect of loneliness. And so all those things when they pile up, they can become overwhelming.”
Cheryl stressed the importance of needing to establish a new sense of place. She shared how she made an effort to go on walks or hikes around their new home to understand the physical layout of where they lived. The couple also made an effort to go to a local restaurant and frequent it regularly to have a familiar space to feel comfortable in and get to know local faces in the town.
The couple also highlighted a key component for finding a sense of place was the willingness to ask questions. Lizzy mentioned an example where in Taiwan culture, you regularly see bins outside of people’s homes. Newcomers to the field might assume that they’re trash bins. However, in Taiwan, they’re places to burn money for worship. Assumptions and expectations based on one’s country of origin can be a hindrance in the adjustment phase of a new worker on the field.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and compete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4
Lisa Mellinger and her husband used to serve in rural villages in Southeast Asia, but currently serve OMF in the U.S.
Her current position focuses on short-term teams and individuals going to aid long-term workers. With her years of experience abroad, Lisa is able to advise short-term workers on how to best support the workers who are living on the field.
Lisa discussed the different aspects of loneliness she herself started to feel as she lived in a rural village well before the convenience of texting and reliable internet.
“The first year was a cultural loneliness. Then it became a physical loneliness – the desire for connection. And then there’s a spiritual loneliness. We can’t ever underestimate how much Satan wants us to [feel] dysfunctional.”
Lisa also commented on the effects of holding assumptions and expectations based on what we already know; or think we know. She said that even workers who go onto the field for three or six months develop strong emotions of feeling alone or separated from what they know, and commented that “loneliness can come from your own expectation of connectedness.” Even though the short-term workers are not committing to long years of service, they still have expectations going onto the field such as what they’ll do and who or where they will serve. Short- or long-term, those expectations will be challenged.
Lisa mentioned a phase of “grieving what you left.” It’s an uncomfortable and hard phase, but God uses it to develop characteristics and qualities that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life.
Loneliness, challenges and setbacks are part of our journey with Christ. Sometimes we find ourselves needing to start over and learn new ways to live our life. Or sometimes we need to address certain expectations to understand what the reality actually is.
We have the option to say no. In some cases we genuinely see God pulling us in another direction. But if we don’t at least give it our all and try, we might miss seeing through obstacles and notice the ending to the craziness is just right there.
“God helped me see the little joys. And that helped me come out of the depressive and negative thoughts. When I was standing at that bus stop, thinking about the saying, I thought to myself, ‘have I gotten to this point because I have not learned how to be thankful for the little things God has put into my life?’” – Kat Lin
Kat Lin is an OMF worker who has been serving in Taiwan for almost 20 years! During her time on the field, Kat experienced many of life’s milestones. With those milestones, she’s encountered shifts in her role as a single woman entering the field to becoming a wife and then mother.
Kat recounted a milestone memory from when she was prepping for her wedding:
“We got married here in Taiwan. So none of my friends could be with me to do any of the bridal stuff that you would normally do with your friends. When I had to go veil shopping, the moment I stepped off the bus and into this back alley in Taiwan, I was overcome with this horrible sadness. I didn’t have all my friends or family, and I felt so lonely. It was this massive life event that was about to happen, and I had to face it by myself.”
As Kat continued to share her experiences, the sense of loneliness wasn’t just isolated to the absence of friends, family, and familiar experiences. Not long after her entry into the field, Kat filled a new role in OMF Serve Asia. It was a challenging role and a little lonely. The role was a one-person job so it was easy for Kat to feel frustrated when it came to asking for help. It wasn’t because no one was willing to help, but because there were many details only she knew and having to take time to explain certain aspects of her role and what she needed felt burdensome to do. Even though it was easier to have a blanket statement of “things are hard, please be praying for Serve Asia,” Kat was robbing herself of the need to express and allow someone to fully come into what she was feeling or experiencing.
Although Kat was able to function well in her role, she came to a point where she felt very critical of things in her life. It was several years until Kat was able to notice how the destructive thinking was affecting the way she viewed her role and life.
One wintry day, Kat was waiting at a bus stop when a Chinese proverb came to her mind, “Thankfulness is a detox of the heart.” It wasn’t a passage from the Bible or any words from a famous preacher, but God used that moment to touch her heart and stir in her a desire to reawaken joy.
“God helped me see the little joys. And that helped me come out of my depressive and negative thoughts. When I was standing at that bus stop, thinking about the saying, I thought to myself, have I gotten to this point because I have not learned how to be thankful for the little things God has put into my life? So my new year’s resolution for the coming year was to start a thankfulness journal. Every day I would force myself to write down three things to be thankful to God for. And it was anything from a good coffee to I made it to the bus stop [on time]! Little things that I wouldn’t normally stop and think to be thankful for. And establishing that habit helped me look at my life through the lens of gratitude. It’s made me much more joyful in my missionary life. Even if I’m whining about something, I catch myself saying ‘BUT I’m grateful for…’. And it’s something I’ve wanted to encourage others with.”
Of course gratefulness does not completely solve life’s trials or difficulties. Kat did not in any way undermine the reality of life with a ‘think happy, be happy’ philosophy. However, gratefulness is a tool the Lord provides and commands us as believers to indulge in; and in doing so, our souls can be lifted and encouraged in the midst of hard seasons of life.
Lies contribute to the sense of isolation. You start to doubt yourself – asking yourself am I good enough?…And through the [thoughts and feelings] of loneliness, you start to ask yourself ‘why?’” – David Kim
David Kim has been serving in the northern region of Japan for the last two years. I greatly appreciated the way David spoke with such honesty and openness about his personal experiences entering the mission field. David has experienced bouts of loneliness that have refined his identity as God’s child and God’s hands and feet to the people of Japan.
David mentioned that Japan can be a very difficult environment, “God is working [in Japan] and he has many churches here. But the odds often feel against us. It’s not an easy environment because there are temples everywhere. And [this fact] has really affected me.”
David mentioned the spiritual influences that can affect the heart and mind of those on the field. As Paul writes in his letters, and even Jesus himself proclaims that our fight is against influences that are not from the physical world. David spoke a lot about how the mind is so easily swayed by thoughts – whether it’s truthful thoughts or lies.
He highlighted that “lies contribute to the sense of isolation. You start to doubt yourself – asking yourself ‘am I good enough?’” And other insecurities are also amplified which can cultivate an awareness that you feel like you don’t belong.
He continued with openness, “Through the [thoughts and feelings] of loneliness, you start to ask yourself ‘why?’”
However, as I spoke with David, there was an undeniable passion that he spoke with when it came to his love for the Lord and for the Japanese people. God has continuously brought moments and opportunities into his life to encourage and remind him of his purpose. He recounted a specific memory that God used to help refocus his mind:
“[I believe] within my first year, I remember that I was so tired and exhausted and feeling bad about myself. At that particular time, I wanted to listen to George Michael’s One More Try. It’s a love song where he sings about his remorse and regret – it’s very soulful. I remember listening to that. And the [emotion] of the song really sunk deep into my mind. I felt that I needed to let something out. That I had to let go of [my] negative emotions. I started crying, but then I suddenly thought about the people of Japan who don’t know Christ… it was weird, but it helped bring me out of my sense of loneliness.”
David continues to adjust into his life in Japan. The challenges he’s faced so far have brought him closer to the Lord, and the Lord continues to show up in unexpected ways to encourage him.
Often we can imagine that revelations from God come with fanfare and a booming voice from the heavens. But very often he encourages us in little, simple things that we might not think correlate at all with him, like a Chinese proverb or a love song. But he knows our hearts and what will stir us to action or seek guidance or help.
We don’t need to be embarrassed or too prideful to receive [or pray] help. And even if you’re not struggling, there’s someone who is. – Kat Lin
After recounting many personal stories from Cheryl, Lizzy, Lisa, Kat and David, the common and most upfront challenge all of them experienced as they entered the mission field was the displacement of their sense of self and sense of home; and through this challenge, arose the common feeling of loneliness.
As unique individuals this came to them in a variety of ways, but all voiced the similar sentiment that working through the seasons of loneliness required boat loads of humility, grace, teachability, and a whole lot of surrendering to Jesus.
Before ending each conversation, I asked how people back home could be praying or any bits of advice on how to connect with them. Their answers were filled with the desire for open communication between them and friends they know and love, but can’t always see. I loved how David commented that, “Prayer is a connection.” It’s not only the gift to connect with God but also a way that connects us as a Church.
Kat confronted the fact that often, “Missionaries don’t often know how to ask for help.” And Lisa commented how she often has seen family and friends not know exactly how to pray or reach out to those abroad.
Cheryl and Lizzy take the time once a year to write personal emails for their family and friends in the States. They send these emails with the specific intent to ask about how their family and friends are doing and how the couple can be praying. Even though it’s only once a year, it’s an email that is packed with care and the willingness to also be open to receive prayer requests and updates from loved ones.
Growing up, my sister served in East Asia for some time. While she was away, I always thought she was SO cool. Living in an exotic place, learning a new language, and seeing the world in a different way. She was like a Christian superhero to me! I believe I’m not the only one who has viewed life as a missionary as something super-duper amazing. But missionaries are pretty ordinary. We all just get to serve an extraordinary God. Let’s not isolate ourselves with the thoughts that we don’t have anything to offer.
Maybe you know a missionary. Maybe you are one. Either way, we can be praying together for each other. Specifically, as this article highlighted, let us pray for those who find themselves in a time of loneliness. It’s an aspect that tears at the threads of our identity and confidence and affects everyone. Pray for new workers entering the field, and established workers who have served for many years, to ask the Lord for humility and for them to have the willingness to be open and ask for help if needed. Pray for them and for yourself that when these feelings of loneliness occur that we all will remember to invest time with our Savior who cares so deeply for us.
